+ A little fire goes a long way +
So, yeah. Looks like we'll get a room for pumping in this building. I found out HR was still sending people to the conference room next door that I got kicked out of after two days. Well, it annoyed me so I pitched a very politically-correct, professionally-worded fit. To the right person this time.

We will have a room in no time. It's in the works. Yay me.

+ Breast Pumping Rule #87 +
When pumping while doing anything else (eating, reading, whatever), do not lean over, under any circumstances. It may seem like the laws of physics don't apply to you because, after all, how can those horns suction on there like there's no tomorrow? But they do, and you will be sorry when you find out those horns have holes in them to make the whole suction thing work. Those holes can allow the precious milk you've just spent 15 minutes pumping to spill out.

Oh, and breastmilk leaves a lovely, subtle stain on khaki trousers.

(sidenote: I really didn't spill that much, maybe 0.5-1 oz. Fortunately, I saw it before I felt it, and sat right back up. It could have been much worse, which is why I can laugh about it!) :)

+ Drooling Monkey +
Oh, yeah. And then there's the drool. WHERE does all this drool come from? I mean to tell you, if you don't get dehydrated from drooling so much, I'll be darned amazed. They changed you at daycare yesterday because your outfit was soaked with drool - not spitup! And you'd had a bib on! You simply must be teething. I know it's too early, believe me. Everyone I've made the mistake of mentioning this to reminds me in know-it-all terms that you can't possibly be teething yet. Fine, then a flood machine has taken over my daughter's mouth for no good reason. Of course, Grandma Laurie disclosed this week that I did, in fact, get a tooth when I was four months old. You are three and a half months old already. So there.

+ Good morning +
You were such a good baby this morning. You woke up at 2 a.m. for feeding (annoying), but when I didn't rush in to you at 4 a.m., you fell back asleep (wonderful!). When my alarm went off at 5:30 and I came in to check on you because I heard you cooing and whining, you were wide awake and talking to yourself in your crib mirror. What a sweet baby! Once you saw me, though, you wanted up. So up you came.

Other developments I forgot to mention... You are trying to sit up. You do what Lil described as ab crunches. You get this determined look on your face and curl up like you're going to sit up... You play quietly, as mentioned above... You would much prefer to suck on your hands (or any combination of 1-4 fingers that you can fit in your mouth), by itself or while nursing (not so cute)... Nursing you is a continual sporting event. You bounce and kick and push and roll your eyes and pretty much try to dance a jig with a nipple in your mouth... You love to be tickled. I'm sure that is how we will hear your first audible laugh... You hate the car, but that's not new... Most of the time, you are not content to be held while I am sitting on the couch. You want me to be moving. That's fine for a while, but sometimes Mommy must rest, baby girl. Please don't scream every time I sit down.

A Me Development I forgot to mention... I sleep cuddling a feather pillow. I have for as long as I can remember, long before I met Daddy. But it was also long before I had you. Now that you're in my life, I wake up at least once every night and have a moment of panic, thinking I'm holding you and I've smothered you in the blankets. Not a happy moment, that.

+ Memorial Weekend +
It was an interesting weekend for us all. You have developed some interesting new habits, and skills. First, you rolled over! I noticed it the first time on Saturday, though you rolled into the back of the couch, which stopped you. Then Saturday night, while Grandma Laurie was watching you, you did it twice in the playpen! She was happy to see it. Unfortunately, so far you only do it when you're really irritated and crying. Oh well. It's still cute.

You were very well-behaved this weekend. We took you shopping (more Carters clothes!) on Saturday, and on Sunday we went out to the west side to see your Great-Grandpa Pete in the hospital. He's doing better, and he was so happy to see you. That was followed by lunch, during which you were an angel. Really, you're beautifully behaved if you've got someone (usually me) to stare at. Interesting.

Your newest development is your mouth. We feel teeth in there, and now we can see them on the top. I still don't know when you'll start teething, but between the drool and your current desire to have everything in your mouth, it can't be far off. Your bib is your favorite chew toy, though you really will put anything you get your hands on in there. I gave you a teething toy designed for 6+ month babies and you absolutely love it. It's a twisty toy and you have a field day with it. I love that you can deliberately grab onto things now.

You also are increasingly fond of TV. Great. Baby Bach is like baby crack. I think I might get really sick of watching it, but you just like it so much, I'm helpless.

Less than 2 weeks until you don't have to wear your harness to bed anymore. I cannot wait. It's not really that big a deal, it's just inconvenient. Especially when you've already fallen asleep and I have to wake you up to put you in it. You don't like that much.

+ Decisions +
So, I've decided to teach you American Sign Language. I've been researching this, and I think it will be fun and useful. Who knows if or when you'll pick up on it, but I'm going to start using it right away for some basic things (like milk, mommy, daddy, finished, bed, bath, car, etc.). Eventually, maybe you'll start using them. We'll see! I found a great site to look at some basic signs. If anyone's interested, it's here.

+ Squirmy monkey +
Do you notice a pattern? I hope you don't mind me calling you my "[insert adjective here] Monkey." I like it. It's better than "Stinky," which I had gotten in the habit of calling you. :-) I'm trying to break that one, because I reeeeeally don't want that to be a nickname. Your Grandma Laurie calls you that too.

At any rate, you are a squirmy little bugger. Grandma noticed it yesterday, and I've been noticing it for a while now. You just don't want to sit still, especially when you're eating or being burped. Holy cow, nursing is turning into an adventure! Your little legs, free from their harness during the day, kick anything and everything possible. Meanwhile, your butt goes in and out and your hands? Well, your hands are all OVER the place. There's nothing on my body you haven't grabbed, stroked, pinched, pushed on, pulled... You get the idea. It's cute, but a little unnerving. When you really get going, you just keep popping off my breast mid-suck. Your feet push you off, your hands push you off, and you bob right back on. It's a little gymnastics routine we have going. Funny, but kind of uncomfortable sometimes too.

You're really becoming a happy baby. Sometimes after you've eaten, you get a little whiny and squirmy, and if I don't feed you quickly enough when you're hungry, you might cry. Also in the evenings, you get a little fussy and it takes a while to calm you down into a nap. But that's all normal. Even Maria this morning said you've been really good at daycare, either sleeping or awake and happy. Good girl! You just keep soaking everything in, aware of everything. I love when I walk into a room, and you turn to look at me when you hear my voice. Just love it.

You're also starting to look less baby-ish. Oh, you still look like a baby, but your face is filling out like a little girl. You simply have The most beautiful eyes. They're kind of a mix of mine and Daddy's; they're a rich medium blue like Daddy's, with the dark ring of blue on the outside like mine. It's so pretty.

Enough babbling about you. We're embarking on a nice 3-day weekend, and we're going to spend lots of time with Daddy, who's really having a rough time right now. Our weekend mornings will be spent with you in bed with us, sleeping in. I love that time together, cuddling and watching you sleep. I hope we can keep this up for a long time. It makes my weekend days start off perfectly.

+ Sleepy baby +
I hope you are growing and not sick. You slept most of yesterday away, and slept okay last night. You slept about 6.5 hours after sleeping about 5-6 at daycare, and about 2.5 at home last evening. I took your temperature, though, and you seem fine. You must just have some growing to do. I was worried you might have my stomach bug, and your stomach did seem to be bothering you at 4:00 this morning, but you seemed okay later on. Who knows?

You should get to see Uncle CR and Aunt Chelsie this weekend, and Grandma Laurie. We're really going to try to take it easy, though, for the most part. Last weekend I was so sick I haven't really had a chance to just rest and re-group. It'll be nice to have a 3 day weekend too.

I have 3 more pictures (of you and Uncle Chris) to add to your ofoto album, and then start on your 4-6 month album. I'm hoping to try getting your passworded site up and going, and then I'll link to the albums so everyone who visits there can have access. If I get a chance, I will work on that this weekend!

+ Administrative Note +
Added a whole bunch more pregnancy blogs over there --->. Many are thanks to Shana, who is wonderfully pregnant now! Congratulations!

And am I allowed to express amazement that babies are due in January now? Already? Soon they'll be conceived when Ceili was and have her same due date, in 2004. That seems way too soon. Then again, it seems WAY too soon for her to be 3 months old. *sigh*

+ Ahhhh, relief +
I am feeling so much better, it's amazing. I actually think it may have turned out to be some sort of stomach flu, because your Grandma seems to have it now. It's really very icky, and I hope it has passed you by like the other bugs I've had in the last couple of months have done. Once again, thank God for the immunological properties of boob juice (which is coming back, thank God again).

Aaaaaanyway... You slept better again last night. You are just getting stronger by the day, and you get frustrated if we don't let you look around and explore your surroundings more. We'll have to start going on walks (just in time for Phoenix summers... great...) so you can look at all the trees and people. You have discovered television, much to my chagrine. You are fascinated by it, so I'll have to really start playing some of your videos (i.e. Baby Bach, Lion King, Sleeping Beauty, some other music one) for you sometimes. I'm actually glad for that element of daycare. If you were home with me, the television would be on, and I would really prefer if you didn't watch it much. At daycare, that's not an option. I'm not going to be militant and never let you watch TV, but you will have a limit on how much you're allowed to watch. I did as a kid, and I'm thankful for it now. It made us get outside and play with friends, or visit with our parents. And our homework (usually) got done. Of course, I intend to limit your computer time too, but that's a long way away.

+ Beauty +
Have I mentioned lately how beautiful you are? I was just sitting here thinking about how we were admiring your beauty yesterday evening. You do this adorable new cute thing. Your daddy sits on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table, and you lying along his legs looking at him. He plays with you and makes you laugh over and over. Then you'll eventually hear me laugh on the other couch, and you turn your head as far as it can go to watch me. You have the most amazing, rapt expression on your face. Of course, it's usually followed pretty quickly by your lips smacking or tongue darting, so I know you see "Mmmm... Mommy... Fooooood..." But it's still adorable. And I still usually get rewarded with a great big gummy smile.

+ Bad equations +
Company picnic + 1100 RSVP's = lots of catered BBQ
Lots of catered BBQ + 104 degrees F = food poisoning
Food poisoning + heat exhaustion = extreme vomiting
Extreme vomiting + inability to drink anything, including water = massive dehydration
Massive dehydration + insufficient food intake = No breastmilk
No breastmilk + hungry baby = Crisis

We're working on this. Fortunately, food poisoning passes quickly. Unfortunately, dehydration takes a while to fix. I'm stuffing myself and drinking like a fish, along with my Fenugreek. Thank God for those freezer stores of milk from a few weeks ago.

+ Way to grow! +
7.5 hours last night, 8 hours the night before. You have definitely adopted a new sleeping habit, and I like it. Not much else is new. You seem to be completely over your sniffles, other than an occasional juicy sneeze. You're starting to demand a little more entertainment, crying if I hold you on my shoulder too long. This morning I sat you on my lap so you could look around, and you instantly stopped crying and started staring at everything. It looks exhausting for you, trying to keep your head somewhat steady. But you just have so many things to look at, what's a girl to do? You really liked looking at Princess this morning. Speaking of Princess, I can't wait until you're old enough to pay her back. She was licking you last night while I was putting your harness on and wouldn't stop. I kept swatting at her, but you were staring at her, and she kept kissing you. I guess so far you're getting along just fine. That's a good thing.

Tomorrow is Grandma Carol's graduation from ASU, so I'm sure we'll have fun with that. Then Saturday you are coming with us to my work picnic. Hundreds of people to meet! Hopefully the other new babies from work will be there, too. That will be a lot of fun.

Keep on growing at work. I'm doing my best to pump more and more milk all the time. I usually send 6 bottles with as close to 3 oz. as possible. Since they're only really giving you 4 a day, maybe 5 if you're really hungry, I want to make sure they're full enough. Anyway, Grandma Laurie will be picking you up again today. Don't listen to anything she says about UofA. She's trying to pervert your little mind. She's like that.

+ Terrific Tuesday +
You are a sleepy baby lately. You allegedly slept for over 4 hours at daycare yesterday. Then, last evening, you slept on me most of the night. I was terrified you wouldn't sleep last night, but I was wrong! You slept for over 7.5 hours again! Nice trend! I think that's, what? Three or four nights in a row? Thank you! I'm guessing this is the flipside of the hungry days last week and before. All that growing is exhausting, I'm sure.

Plus, yesterday you found your hands! Grandma went into school to pick you up, and you were in your crib... batting at the toys on the toy bar above you! They said you've been working on it, and yesterday you did it! I brought you home later, and you swatted and grabbed your Bambi toy last night. Finally! Hopefully you can officially find your thumb now, since you like the pacifiers but you can't manage to keep them in your mouth.

And I forgot to mention that last week, you "tracked" us for the first time. Daddy was sitting next to us, and got up to go get something, and you craned your neck backwards and around my legs to watch him go. Later you did the same thing when I got up and he was holding you. It was pretty cool. You are so amazingly observant now!

(Note to Readers: New photos in Ceili's album, including from Baptism/Mother's Day, and her Easter smile! :-) If you have already accessed it, you should still have access. If you need access and haven't already gotten it, send me an email! Sorry if I take a day or two - or more sometimes - to respond. I have to check email at home, and I often don't get a chance. But I will, I promise!!!)

+ Weblog Central +
Hey look! We're famous. Heh. I'll try not to use the specific, indisputable details of your infancy as fodder for future guilt trips. Really.

Aw, hell. Who am I kidding? Why else am I keeping this blog? :)

+ All kinds of stuff +
This might be a rambling entry, but I haven't done one in a while so it's about time. Heh.

Yesterday was our first Mother's Day together. Furthermore, you were baptised! It was a beautiful day (other than me still being sick). Your grandparents were all there, and your great-grandmother Olney, and a bunch of aunts, uncles and friends. It turned out you were the only one being baptised, and it was so special having you up there with us, and having the congregation pray for our little family. It was an amazing way to spend our first Mother's Day.

You have so far managed to avoid getting sick, though you have quite the runny nose. It's not getting worse - or better - so I'll just keep "squee-gee-ing" it (a/k/a using the "snot-sucker", a/k/a the bulb syringe). Fortunately, we have managed to find a happy way for you to sleep on your back. You apparently are quite comfortable that way. We had a couple of rocky nights the first few nights, but then Saturday night you pulled a fabulous trick and slept for 7.5 hours! What's more: After I fed you, you slept for another 2-ish hours. I say 2-ish because you woke up and pulled another new trick: You entertained yourself quietly in your crib. What a big girl you are already! It was a nice beginning to Mother's Day. Then last night you slept for... almost 8 hours. The last hour you were tossing and turning a bit, so I was awake-ish and waiting for you to wake up. But I see an increase in the sleeping pattern, and I LIKE it! The only drawback is, if you sleep until 4:30 or so, then once I'm up, I'm up. After I feed you and put you back down, it's between 5 and 5:30, so there's really no sense in going back to sleep for a matter of minutes. Ah, well. It's still worth it (though I have to remind my poor aching breasts of that fact at 4:30 in the morning - Ouch!). :-)

You are a smiling fiend now. You laugh at me, and once in a very great while even let out a little almost-laugh sound. You smiled all the way through church yesterday. At the baptism, you were an ANGEL! When Steve Davis, our pastor, held you up for the audience to see, you just looked out at them with wide, beautiful eyes. It was magic. I was so proud of you! You really do like to smile, mostly at me and daddy, and pretty often for Grandma Laurie. She loves to see you smile. You're also having "conversations" with me now. We sat on the couch for 15 or 20 minutes last night, cooing back and forth at each other. You already love to talk. Great.

Also, yesterday when I was giving you my finger to suck on (still your favorite pasttime), I noticed something new in your mouth. There was, and is, a very defined ridge on either side of the top of your mouth where your teeth will come in. That's always been pretty soft in there, and now you can definitely feel the teeth in there. Interestingly, this is only on the top, and don't bottom ones come in first? Anyway, I think in a month or so, we should start seeing some teething action. An early bloomer already, aren't you?

You're definitely trying to soak in everything, everywhere. It's hardly surprising you sleep so much. You're fascinated by an increasing number of things. You were looking at the checked pattern on the pillowcase on the bed while I took your harness off. You even reached out to grab it. Too cute. And finally the Ocean Wonders Aquarium in your crib is interesting to you. You especially like it when the bubbles are on.

What else? I can't think of anything, though I'm sure I will. Today my lovely period appears to be returning. You'll get to share this joy someday. It's one of the few drawbacks to being a girl. But I also know that it's necessary to be able to have the joy of having a child and watching it grow up. It's all worth it for those smiles, little one. I'm just praying it doesn't alter the taste of my milk. You've already been spitting up a little more the last couple of days. I'd hoped (and still hope) it's just a fluke.

+ Poor baby +
I don't know what's up with you. Maybe you sense I'm sick. Maybe I threw your schedule off. Maybe it's a growth spurt. Yesterday at daycare, you supposedly spit up a lot. Then you slept for 3 hours right in the middle of the day. You only drank 4 bottles the whole day. Yesterday evening, you didn't spit up, but you were moderately cranky. Finally, I nursed you and we both fell asleep on the couch, you curled up on my chest in your favorite position. We were asleep before 8. But when I woke up a little after 9, I remembered that I had to put you in your harness and put you to bed. I was soooo tired, I wasn't sure I had the strength to do all that. But I did, and you woke up, angry. You had been completely sound asleep. Poor baby. Then I nursed you and put you to bed. You looked happy and content, and I dragged my aching body to bed.

Then you woke me up at midnight. And 2 a.m. And 4 a.m. When you figure 30-45 minutes minimum for nursing each of those times, well, I didn't get much sleep. The last one, daddy helped you by suctioning your nose (you sounded stuffy) and changing your diaper, but you were still mad. He took your harness off, and that seemed to help, but then you were hungry. Finally, we brought you to bed with us, and you nursed in bed with me for the first time (we've never been successful doing that before). That seemed to make you happy, and you were pretty cheerful all morning. You did yawn a lot though. Go figure.

+ Day 15 +
Well, the experiment Friday might be working. Maria this morning said it went fine on Friday. And you came home with a bottle of milk, so you only drank 5! That's kind of what I thought might happen, at least until you get hungrier and need more. We'll see. I was able to pump some backup supply this weekend. It's not a lot, but it's better than nothing. I think I probably have about 8 oz. up in the freezer now. If I can get ahead of the game, I'll pump some more to freeze. I'm trying to forget it's there, so I keep pumping as much as my body will make.

You had a nice weekend, I think. We spent a lot of time cuddling and smiling at each other. I love your smiles. We have a cute digital picture of one of your smiles, if I ever remember to upload it to the album everyone's already looked at. In the next day or so, there should be some more photos in there. And soon, I'm hoping to start a passworded site/area with the help of Sarah. I have to get going on that too, especially since she's waiting for an email answer from me. Heh.

You're going home with Grandma again today. Be nice to her. :-)

+ Personal best, again. +
TEN ounces. At work. That is a record. It's actually a hair shy of 10 ounces, more like a robust 9.5. But still! That's what I needed to end my week on. A nice, positive note. And it's almost all I need for her for Monday, which means I can spend tonight and this weekend pumping up a frozen stockpile again. If I do that, I will relieve even more of my stress.

I have two very important pieces of advice for anyone who reads this, looking for any advice from my experience so far... 1. Don't take Sudafed, or Robitussin, under any circumstances, period. It might be safe (they say) for your baby from your breastmilk, but they neglect to mention that it dries you right up. 2. All the books say to pump a stockpile a few weeks before you return to work and I figured I had a couple of bags with a couple of oz. each, so I was fine... Wrong! Pump and pump and pump and store it. You will use some to get your baby used to the bottle, so you need to pump plenty. The adjustment back to work will be tough enough - you need a stockpile. I thought I didn't, and what wouldn't I have paid earlier this week to have that stockpile there? Trust me on this.

Okay, that's all for now. Feeling rejuvenated as I head into the weekend. Your grandma is picking you up in a few minutes. Have fun with her! I'll see you soon. *smooch*

+ Busy busy busy +
I'm waaay too busy today for a long post, but just an update... Talked to Vicki at daycare, and we had a fabulous meeting of the minds. She completely understood everything, and even brought up things I was going to bring up first. You're getting 6 2-ish ounce bottles every 2 hours (or more if needed) instead of 4 4 oz. bottles. This is what I'd wanted in the beginning. Plus, if you're sucking on things, it is not always a hunger cue, little girl. I've learned that. You just like to suck. I call you my "crazy sucker." You will suck on anything, period. In fact, you get so carried away sucking, you spit your pacifier out accidentally all the time. It's not that you don't want it, you just get carried away. So we bought a couple of different kinds of paci's to experiment with at daycare. But we'll see how this goes. I finally got the message across to Maria this morning that the formula is for "emergencies" only, and they are to call me first. This was Vicki's insistance. And to make it formal, I wrote up full instructions for Vicki this morning on how I want her feedings handled and why.

I feel sooooooo much better now. And of course, I'm pumping more. Not tons, but yesterday was my best day ever, and I'm one oz. away from that today (and I still have my afternoon session, so I should surpass that). Woo-hoo! I'm still not pumping enough during work alone for daycare, but I'm getting closer. *fingers crossed*

+ Empowerment +
It's a good thing. My morning pumping session was my best yet (besides lunchtime). I got 3 oz. in less than 10 minutes. And on my way out, I passed a visitor in the lobby... Breastfeeding her baby. It's a sign that we're okay. I know it is. That, or I'm losing my mind. Equally possible.

+ Crying over spilled milk +
Yes, that's what I did this morning; I cried over spilled milk. Why? Well, now, that's a long story. It starts with Tuesday, so let's go back there...

Tuesday was a rough day. I was sick; this cold had gone into my chest and I felt like crud. You appeared to be getting sick too. I was just waiting for the call from daycare to come get you, but it never came. And it was my worst day pumping. Monday had been a short day, so I was cutting it close on the milk Tuesday. It left me uneasy and stressed, and I got very little pumped. Tuesday night, feeling horrible, I panicked and realized there was no way I had enough for you. Furthermore, you were really crying a lot, and it made me even more stressed. I went to bed, setting the alarm for 1:30 a.m. so I could try to pump during the night. Baaaad idea. I woke up at 1:30, and stumbled in to try to pump. I got virtually nothing. Frustrated and too tired to keep trying, I went back to bed, only to wake up at 3:15 to you crying for food. This was a fussy one. You ate, but you weren't happy. We wouldn't ever really get back to sleep. At about 5:15, daddy woke up and came into your room, where I was holding you after eating again. I explained to him that I'd decided to call in sick. I was, in fact, sick, and I wasn't sure if you were too. Combined with the lack of milk (I had 3 not-quite-full bottles instead of 4 full ones), it all seemed hopeless. After crying for ages and half-arguing about breastfeeding, formula, my own insecurities as a mother and more, we decided that I would go to work, you would go to school, and daddy would pick you up around 2:00 when he was done with his work. We figured he would listen to you cry, and could deal with it because he knew why you were crying and knew when I would be home. You actually did quite well, really only crying for about 1/2 hour before I got there.

I did a lot of research yesterday, but still wasn't okay with the idea that I might end up having to supplement if I continued to have this problem. Finally, I talked to my mom (your grandma) about it, and she said all the right things. I cried a little, but generally felt at peace with the idea that I have to do what's right for you. I'm going to fight to breastfeed you 100%, but if I can't, I can't have you starve, either. So, based on my research earlier in the day, I enlisted daddy to join us as we ventured to Wal-Mart for some hypoallergenic formula and some other unrelated supplies. We bought it, you were perfectly behaved the whole trip, and I was at peace with the world. We went home and you nursed all evening, going to bed sleepy and happy. I hopped in the shower, pumped some more and went to bed sleepy and peaceful myself.

You see, I was able to pump enough yesterday after all. After your 3:30 a.m. feeding this morning, I went in and pumped the other side... and got 3 oz. more! That was the last bit I needed. So you wouldn't need formula today after all. This new pumping schedule (added one at work, plus the early morning one) would work, and the formula would remain an unused backup.

This morning, we woke up at 6:00 a.m. I was rested and content. I fed you again, and you sat in your swing while I finished getting ready. I prepared your bottles and diaper bag. I got the pump ready to go. I dressed and primped. Finally, we sat down for the final feeding at 6:55. You were happy, I was happy, we were all set. When you finished, I got you in your carseat and went to grab my lunch. As I passed your diaper bag and bottle bag, I noticed they had fallen over. No problem, I'll just pick them up. Why is this bottle bag wet? Why is it white liquid? Oh... No... I opened it up, and only the bottle with the nipple was still full (I bought more nipples last night but hadn't sterilized them yet, so Maria would just have to use the one for all bottles, like we've been doing for a week). The other three were at least 1/2 empty or more.

Somehow, I managed not to get hysterical immediately. It built over a few minutes. I poured what I could back in the bottles, cleaned up the mess and found myself with one full bottle, one mostly full bottle and one not-even-half-full bottle. It's amazing how a nice, contented, happy night and morning can be ruined in an instant. I gathered everything together, put it and you in the car and rushed off (late, now) to daycare.

When I arrived, I had stopped crying. But it wouldn't last. I brought you in to Maria, and started to explain what had happened. She asked me why I hadn't prepared the formula and instead only brought the powder container. Because you weren't supposed to get any! It was supposed to be a last-ditch emergency backup! Not now, though. Now I knew and had to accept that your "virgin gut" would no longer be so. Today is the day you will get your first bottle of formula. You are 10 weeks and 1 day old. Maria tried to soothe me (crying again by now) by showing me all the formula-fed babies in there. Yeah, that did NOT help. My baby is NOT going to be "a formula-fed baby." Period, end of discussion. Today was an accident. God willing, I will find a way to see that that container of formula never, NEVER gets used up.

After leaving, I was still hysterical. I called daddy to cry to him. He assured me it would be okay, but didn't know the right things to say. I called my mom (grandma) again, and once more, she did. She reminded me that the important thing is the one I have to remember: I DID manage to pump enough. I did it. I can continue to do it. It's okay to keep trying as hard as I'm trying right now. You really be okay. I have to believe and trust in that.

So, this afternoon I'm calling the manager at daycare, Vicki, to talk to her about my guidelines for the formula usage. Foremost in my mind? I want you hungry when I get there, not full on formula. They are not to give it to you unless they have to. I might even make them call me for permission first. I'll ponder that.