+ Trial and Error +
No, yesterday wasn't our greatest day. Your daycare called me and asked for someone to come help you because you were hungry. I got there as fast as I could, and you were in your crib in your usual angry pose: Face turned toward one hand, trying to suck it while grasping the hair on the back of your head in a white-knuckled fist. Poor baby. Vicki picked you up and held you and chatted for a while (some emergency!) and you were restless but not crying. We went home and you nursed somewhat fitfully on and off all evening. She said you had spit up a LOT yesterday. This morning, I could still smell the sour milk on your harness. When I was home with you, I managed to do a really good job I guess of keeping you upright after you ate, and of keeping your harness clean. We never had massive spit-up issues, and your harness never smelled like that. Once again, I'm SO glad we're getting that thing off you full-time on Monday. Each day closer seems farther away. Grumble grumble.

Anyway, you were happy enough I suppose last night. Not as smiley as the night before, but not as cranky as I thought you would be. You went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 4:00 a.m., so that's something to be very grateful for!

Frankly, I'm unbelievably anxiety-ridden today. You have your doctor's appointment this afternoon, and daddy's going with me. I almost wish he weren't, because I have a feeling I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm just so afraid we're doing a truly horrible job. I'm afraid she'll tell me you're not eating enough and I just don't know how to give you any more! With my genetic health issues, I know you need breastmilk, and really, ONLY breastmilk for now. So that's a lot of pressure on me, and when I am afraid you're not getting enough...? Well, I'm a wreck. Maria at daycare told me I need to bring in 4 bottles with 4 oz. each in them. On top of that, in 3 days, I've pumped consecutively less each day. I can't get in as many pumping sessions as I'd like because I have to go next door to use the electric pump, and that takes too long; I can only feasibly do it at lunch. So I tried the manual pump yesterday and today in the bathroom, but that's not really very effective.

I don't know. It's an emotional couple of days. I told myself before I came back that the first week would be hard and not to be too hard on myself. Famous last words. More than anything, I just want you to be happy and healthy. And I just don't know if I'm doing that.