+ Forever +
It feels like Thursday is eons away. I'm really nervous and excited at the same time, but mostly just anxious. I want it to hurry up! We are hoping they'll do an ultrasound and let us see you, but I don't know if that will happen or not. I'm sure I'll get poked and prodded and I'll ask a million and one questions, but will I leave with all my answers? Probably not. I suppose time will give them to us.

+ Week 7, Day 4 +
Or 8th week, who knows? I swear, nobody counts the same way! This week we get to go to the Dr., Baby O. We're going Thursday afternoon, and daddy's going with us, I hope. It will be so good for both of us to get some more information about you and about what we can do to make sure you stay safe and healthy. I stayed up so late on Saturday, and moved a bunch of stuff around yesterday. I tried not to do too much, and tried not to disturb you in there. Hopefully, we'll keep it that way. I got a Pregnancy Organizer, thanks to the suggestion of my online friend Cheryl, which will have lots of interesting information when it's all filled out. I also gave your Grandma Laurie (we found out that's what she wants to be called) a memory book which she's going to fill out just for you! Someday you will be able to read it and learn all about her life and your Grandpa John's life too. How neat!

+ Devastating +
And poof! Just like that. The girl I mentioned at work has been out for a week, and I finally asked someone today if they knew why. She miscarried again. She may not be coming back to work. It amazes me that we can get and stay pregnant ever. And it worries me about you. I'm having a very bad physical day, and when I hear things like that, I worry I might lose you. I can't imagine what it must be like for people who miscarry 3, 4, 5 times or more. How can you believe your little one will ever be in your arms? I pray again that you will be safe and sound in there and relax until your time comes to say hello in 7-8 months.

+ Week 6, Day 5 +
Or something thereabout. That's what the Amazing Pregnancy calculator tells me. I'm getting very anxious for our doctor's visit next Thursday so we'll have a better idea how far along we really are. Hopefully you're well on your way to being a big, healthy baby boy or girl. Six weeks sounds like a lot, but when I think about having 34 to go, it sounds like peanuts.

+ (Yawn!) +
My goodness, but you're making me sleepy! I took naps on Saturday and Sunday, and still went to bed early. I read somewhere that your fatigue is greatly increased when pregnant with twins, so it makes me wonder. But I'm sure I'm just being silly. Your friend-aunt Ember gave me a birthday present early, and it had a beautiful Pregnancy Journal in it. I get to write out my thoughts and feelings and details all about you. It's so nice, and I am sure someday you'll think it's interesting to look at. Your great-grandma found out about you yesterday, and your great-uncle. They're both so excited you're coming to see us. You'll probably be her only great-grandchild for a while. I'm sure she'll spoil you rotten! Anyway, I'm already sleepy again today, and it's not even lunchtime. I can't wait until this particular side-effect goes away. Having said that, I don't mind so much when it's for such a happy reason. Your daddy told me I was pretty this weekend and said he already sees a healthy pregnant glow. It's all about you, little one. Birth-minus-7+-months and you're already enriching our lives. That's so incredible!

+ Preemies +
I just got a call from an agent who told me a heartbreaking story about her daughter. She was pregnant with her first child and had to have an emergency C-section because of some mysterious viral infection the baby had gotten. He was miniature and everyone was told he might not live even an hour. They kept him at a different hospital from his mother, and the new grandmother had to rent breast pumps and run back and forth with milk for the baby. But now, several weeks later, he has just gone home and he is "starting to look like a very small human being." She was telling me about how she went home each night and prayed to God and accepted that He knew what he was doing and why. She said if he had to go back to Heaven, He must have a reason for it, and she had to be strong. Today the baby is doing infinitely better and everyone is blessed by his birth in the long run. It made me think so much about you and the inevitability of this miracle of life. So much is beyond our control or understanding, and yet at the end of the run (usually), there's a new beautiful life in this world. So amazing. Today I'm thinking of the miracle of you and praying for patience and understanding in whatever is to come.

+ Secrets +
Well, Baby O., our little secret is out. Folks at work don't know, and neither do the aunts/uncles, extended relatives. But the entire online blogging community could know now. Fortunately not that many people visit Mommy's site, so maybe it's still a little secret. I'm just so happy you're coming, I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. Daddy bought a station wagon yesterday, with your safety in mind. He wants me to be comfortable when I'm pregnant, and he wants you and your future sibling(s) to be safe. The station wagon fills my mind with images of driving all of us to Yellowstone and pitching a tent. It's so comfortable and roomy! No news on your front, though you are making me a little more nauseous than I have been, especially in the afternoon. Most nights I can't bear the thought of dinner. Thanks. Maybe I won't have 100 pounds to get rid of that way, once you're born!

+ Growing +
So I guess we're in our 6th week of pregnancy. BabyCenter says you're about 1/4 inch long right now, and look like a tadpole! Hopefully that won't last long. I don't think I told you, but if you're a girl, we have your name. It's Caillie Morgan, though the spelling is still up for grabs. If you're a boy, we're still stuck. And twins? Well, we're just trying not to think about twins yet. Not until our first Dr. visit on August 1st. Daddy's going with me to that one, and we're really excited to learn more about you then!

I managed to stay awake until almost 9:30 last night. Of course, I was really sleepy, but that's better than the night before! You're taking a lot of energy out of me right now, but I don't mind. Do what you need to do to be healthy and strong. I'm trying to be really good. I've completely and utterly sworn off caffeine (not even cut down - stopped completely!), and of course no alcohol or tobacco. I'm eating okay, though I could be eating better. I usually eat a yogurt for breakfast, a fairly big lunch, a snack of cashews or cheese or celery with cream cheese in the afternoon, and maybe a normal dinner. We did eat dinner last night, but not the night before. My appetite is all over the board, from nauseous to ravenous! Oh, well. Just part of my changing body.

+ Feelings +
My number one feeling right now is fatigue. I sleep all the time. I fall asleep in the blink of an eye, and almost always before 9:00 p.m. This is very unlike me, but I read in one of my books that my body is working harder than it would be climbing a mountain right now. That's hard to believe, but the sleepiness seems to support it. I'm still only having the tiniest bit of nausea, which passes almost as quickly as it comes. We told your Grandma and Grandpa Devine on Saturday about you, and your Aunt Chelsie and Uncle C.R. about you on Sunday. They're all so excited you're finally coming! You will be blessed and amazed when you're old enough to realize how many wonderful family members you get to have around. It's such a joy! I'm thinking about you all the time, Baby O. Stay safe in there, and take it easy. We have a month and a half until we start to be in the clear...

+ Hormones +
Well, little one, your presence is making itself known in my hormonal imbalance today! I've been irrational and irritable all day. Fortunately, I saw it coming and I've been trying to avoid people. I am just generally unpleasant. I'll probably go home early and rest this afternoon so you can be happy and healthy. I have to take care of both of us now, and whether my body says fall asleep at 8:00 during a Diamondbacks game, or tells me to go home at 2:00 on a Friday, I will listen to it. I've asked your daddy to get me a pregnancy yoga DVD for my birthday in 2 weeks, and I'm hoping that will help my energy level. We'll see!

+ Sharing the joy +
You know, Baby O., so many people knew I was trying for you that I have people every day asking me, "How's it going?" or "Are you pregnant yet?" Of course, it is still a secret here at work. But a friend of mine who started in the same training class last July 16th was also trying. We joked about how we'd probably get pregnant at the same time. She just ran into me for the first time in weeks, and asked, "So, any news? Are you pregnant yet?" I debated for a just a second and whispered "Yes, I am, actually. About 3 weeks. But nobody knows!" She didn't even look that surprised. She said, "Me too! About a month and a half. My husband and mother were the only ones to know until you!" Isn't that crazy?! She said she was afraid to tell because she just had a miscarriage before this one and is really nervous. I'm afraid to say it, but I'm nervous too and that is one of the reasons I'm not telling anyone. It's a scary thing, miscarrying. I pray for both of us we'll have happy, healthy babies - just weeks apart!

+ Symptoms +
I lied Monday when I said heartburn and fatigue were the only consistent symptoms. The heartburn is waning, fortunately. But my breasts have been very very sore since about 3-4 days after conception. And they're just getting more that way. They feel bruised, like someone used them for punching bags. My mother says it was the same for her, and that's how she knew with the second one. I joked with your daddy, Baby O., that when I get pregnant with your sibling(s) in the future, I'll know before any pregnancy test can show up positive. Now that I know what this hurting breast thing means, it's a sign I won't be able to miss! Otherwise, things are good. Still waiting for the brunt of the symptoms to come, since I know I know earlier than most and I probably have much more fun to come. I'm sleepy a lot, which daddy thinks is weird. He'll get used to it just in time for my burst of energy in the second trimester!

+ Another Day +
I was feeling a tiny bit nauseous this morning, but a quick snack and cold air conditioning are helping a lot. I did call yesterday morning to make an appointment with my OB/GYN. That's for August 1st, so I have to wait until then to find out more info. I've been reading my Mayo Clinic Pregnancy and Baby's First Year and What to Expect When You're Expecting books in the meantime. I've had both of them for ages now, along with miscellaneous baby stuff, just sitting in a dresser waiting for that positive pregnancy test. It's fun to pull them out now, and look at the cute crib sheets and fuzzy stuffed Easter rabbit and think the "someday" I've been waiting for is actually coming. It's a wonderful feeling.

+ Week Four or Five +
Yes indeed, we're pregnant! At last! All of this planning, and trying, and worrying, has resulted in a little miniature cellular person beginning inside of me. That doesn't seem real yet, mostly because it's so early I have very few symptoms. My only consistent ones are heartburn and fatigue. But those two bright, shining positive pregnancy tests tell the rest of the story. And I'm telling you, they were both positive in about 10 seconds; the pregnant line showed up before the control line!

The unfortunate part was Joe being out of town. I took the test on Friday, 7/5 at 8:00 p.m. Joe didn't come home until Saturday at about 7:30 p.m. Almost 24 hours of keeping the news to myself! I did call my mother on Friday night to tell her and get some of my adrenaline under control though. Saturday, we went to a baseball game with my brother and friend and I couldn't tell them! But I got a "Future Diamondback" baby baseball and Arizona Diamondbacks baby rattle after the game. When Joe came home, I showed him the present I'd gotten him, and the surprise was wonderful. No tears, no shock, just happiness and quiet surprise. You see, we didn't think we'd made it this month. It really was a surprise.

And now we get to embark on the most wonderful journey of our lives. I am so in love with Joe, and with Baby O., and the whole idea of our growing family. This journal will be my repository for all feelings and emotions baby-related. Join along as we grow into a family!

(I don't really know which week it is because of the bizarre pregnancy counting. But I know that my last monthly visitor came 5/31, I have a long cycle, and I believe I conceived around 6/20. I believe that puts me in week 4 in gestational terms.)